Monday 10 August 2009

Facts of the Flight

OMG!! OMG!! OMG!! Did you not know I was going to Syd-a-ney for a Scrapbooking Retreat?? Well, done and dusted now, but this is my little re-cap on the flights........... mainly the one home. Previous posts will fill you in on the rest....

Man, you should have been on our flight! I'm going to have to write a book.... we (have to start from the beginning...) were at the check in Syd-a-ney, and I was (gulp..) 9kg over..... tried to talk the stiff chick into letting me put one of my bags into the priority check in, like the guys in Albury did (when I was only 7kg OVER..)... (the second time after I had already BEEN TO THE FREAKIN’ CAR once and UNLOADED CRAP after being 14kg OVER!!.....) ....(what can I say, my ASSETS are loaded....) (..and my highly technological scales with the piece of board to hold the fat arse tote on so I could read the weight may have required further calibration....) and anyhoo, back to stiff chick; she almost caved, then went into tight stiff chick mode. She wanted to know where I was going to put the extra stuff, (never even hinted at a toe stretching exercise to alleviate my lower back pain at this point.....) because the planes are only small and can only take a specified amount of weight.......... (take a pill..........) then the Beaver, after informing the non-stiff check-in chick that she would remove her measly 1kg over into her carry on, that she wanted to be seated with "that bird at the other check in line......" "Oh, do you know her?" questions the non-stiff check-in chick. “Nah, but I reckon she looks alright” says the Beaver...... I’m feeling a bit flattered............

It's quite possible I was already feeling the need to stock up on an in-flight poise............

anyhoo..... after flying through check-in the Beaver comes over and questions the tight chick about my having already been allowed to check in the bags priority and what's the big deal if they came that way.... and (I love this girl.....) SHE CAVES!!..... Then I discreetly say to the Beaver with a sliding of my right foot, "take my purple paper carry-on tote before she sees it or I'm done....," and we make it through the golden doors of check-in............. whew!!

We meet up with other scrappy chicks for a variety of dietary fulfillment, then head off with Marg far, far, far away to a gate some 4km's away........... "this way" says Marg, and so we did for fear of being taped to an airport trolley.... Yes, off we trot. I have a ton of luggage right (not being over-weight or anything.....) and we traipse off along the corridors, laughing and crawling and sweating..... or maybe that was just me...., when we get to the very end gate that is not the number gate we are needing and Beaver says "Oh No, we've gone the wrong way, it only goes to 49 – it’s WAY OVER THERE!!!!" At this point some skank lying
amongst a huge pile of luggage on the floor in a fetal position behind me said a really bad word (or maybe it was me....) and Marg says, totally shocked and bewildered at the totally unladylike behaviour of such person, "I haven't heard you say that all weekend.........." ...where's that tape when you need it...... hmmmmmmmmmmmm

SO, we turn around and off we go, working up a sweat the Little Losers Club would be proud of, and find the very close Gate 56....... Time to mount the runway for the plane, when "second stiff chick" says that I can't take the priority on board unless it's checked.............. Frightening visions immediately flash before my eyes, "weren't we just there?....." I'm a little hot under the collar by this point, and quite keen to make it known to the entire line boarding behind me that (because for the first time all weekend I am first at something............) that I am not moving until this bag goes through, so the second tight chick sends me to the other counter where "I really don't care how many plastic explosives you have in that bag you're holding up the line..." chick tells me to go through, and where I should leave the bag............ At last, someone with authority!!!

We are sent to our seats whereby we are asked if we accept the responsibility of being the emergency door helpers in case of emergency........... (outrageous spraying of laughter at this point........... and the most amazing look of fear on the hostesses face..) Oh sure! We both read the "Danger Danger - Responsibility Persons Information Sheet” and POSL!! "You know, we could scrap this - do you have your camera?" says the Beaver. "We could just tell the hostess that we need a new Danger Sheet.... like the other one just blew out this door or something......" says I... From that point we just lost it, again - still, whatever... We decided we would send everyone to the other doors if anything happened, or we'd just push them out so we'd have something soft to land on, or we'd just get drunk and totally not be responsible at ALL.............. Do you think they'll serve us drinks? Can you imagine our astonishment when they did?!! I am sure extremely nervously sweating and seatbelt fidgetting guy sitting just across from us wasn't entirely impressed by the fact that we asked for the whole bottle.... Well, we just couldn't stop laughing, and I know you will find that hard to believe, but we "just couldn't stop laughing!!...." The Beaver was quite bemused that anyone should think we could be anything resembling responsible............ sadly I had to agree...

Honestly, we had such a laugh, and a fantastic weekend. I really enjoyed actually sitting next to the Beaver on the flight back, unlike when I sat behind her on the trip up and kept making spidery movements across her hair with my fingers then reading my book when she frantically looked around brushing at her head..... nah, I didn't really...

So, on the much anticipated greeting of rubber and tarmac at Albury, without the slightest hint of danger in the air, we bade fond farewells in contemplation of the next annual migration. Beads of sweat did tend to trickle slightly from my brow at this time, as I thought about future stiff tight chicks at check ins and check outs, and made a mental note to self to make a casual drop in at the vets once home (nah, got the worms sorted...) to weigh in the fat arse purple tote for an accurate reading. I am also having real fears at this time that my actual body weight may have been slightly guesstimated at approximatley 14kg under where I'm really at...... and I've been feeling so fit too!! well, ....better get another set of scales for home bodies too......

And to think, that was just the flight home................................

cheers